my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.