I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant