remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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