I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
