i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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