im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
