i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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