my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
