Where did you get a picture of my penis
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
