No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.