i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
