She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
