Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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