I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
