he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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