so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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