just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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