just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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