that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
