new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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