My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
