walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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