Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
