just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
