Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing