I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
my liver is dry heaving
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy