There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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