My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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