i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time