meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
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Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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