I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!