Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?