I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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