and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT