I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
