she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.