For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
