I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
