Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
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Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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