Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
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I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt