You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD