the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Blame the bisexuality and move on?