I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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