Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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