I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
