I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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