Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
