I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
