I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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