yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
