I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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