I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.