he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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