Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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