Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
